Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
$4 #usedbooks
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there