Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Something Saturday.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.