@Zombieionism

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

@wolfmannjr

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

@DamonHunzeker

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@OyVeyLady

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@cherryzigzags

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks