Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.