Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.


*walks into Apple store


*walks out of Apple store


I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?


A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.


“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks