Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.