Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
best review i’ve ever seen
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off