Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Lmao
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
#milo
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.