@sonictyrant

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

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@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@Tmoney68

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

@BriarSlyMalice

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

@flashember

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

@iamburtjarvis

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms