Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Here’s a meme
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room