Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.