Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.