Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
You Might Also Like
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’m putting together a team
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.