Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.