Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.