Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?