Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
apparently this year was written by stephen king
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*