Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Thinking about Jeff
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.