Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
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I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7