Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.