Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces