Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Proctology is located in A55
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
pizza
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.