Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you


*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*


*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.


Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.


Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.


Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises


people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so


To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.


Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter


My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁