Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.