Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.