Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.