Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.