got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
the three branches of government
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Good day meowlady
* tips cat