Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
i did the math
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes