Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
You Might Also Like
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.