Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter