Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The little toadstool has spoken.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what