Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
when you are just born a rebel
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.