Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
RT if you could go either way.
