Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Going to church you guys need anything
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.