Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion