Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?