Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song