Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.