Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

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Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call


Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?


Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.


Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped


[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]


The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.


Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.