Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
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It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Tell the colonel to bring it