Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
there’s probably a fee though
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
It’s the weekend y’all
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”