Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now