Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Pigeon open mic night.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”