Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.