Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
You Might Also Like
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I occasionally drink every single night.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.