Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Oh. My. God.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!