Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel