@robynpalmer1

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

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@CruisinSoozan

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

@UncleDuke1969

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

@kevinrowe1

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@PaperWash

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies