got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
the short answer to this question
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Not even remotely sorry.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.