Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.