Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
The human personality is made of five key elements
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.