Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.