Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m not wrong
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.