gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work