“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.


Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend


Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!


me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened


[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets


Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday


I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.


There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.


Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school